Is Your First Response Always the Problem? The Responsitivity Shift

Are you a NEGATIVE RESPONDER? Notice the very firsts word that come out of your mouth when someone asks how your week is going?

If it is not good news, you are not alone. And it is not a personality flaw. It is negativity bias, and every single one of us has it. 

But here is the thing. Left unchecked, it quietly shapes how you communicate, how you lead, and how the people around you feel every single day.

In this episode, Phil and Pen introduce one of their favourite concepts: 

Responsitivity: when response meets positivity, and the intentional choice to catch your default negative response before it leaves your mouth and choose something better instead.

From the science of why our brains are wired like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good, to the moment a team leader says, "Great, but it didn't have to take that long, did it?" and watches the whole room deflate in an instant, this episode is full of real-world examples that will make you see your own communication habits in a completely new light.

And here is a stat worth sitting with: you are six times more likely to be disengaged at work if you believe your manager focuses more on what you do wrong than what you do right. The drip, drip, drip of negative responses is not just uncomfortable. It becomes the culture.

In this episode you'll discover:

• What negativity bias actually is, where it comes from, and why it is so hard to override
• Why deflecting a compliment is not humility. It is negativity bias wearing humility as a mask
• The Teflon and Velcro principle and what it means for how you give feedback, lead teams and handle relationships
• Six simple awareness tools to catch your default response and shift into Responsitivity

By the end of this episode, we want you to notice the very first word that comes out of your mouth in your next conversation. Because those small, ordinary, completely unremarkable moments are drip, drip, dripping your communication style, your leadership and your culture every single day.

Stay tuned for the next episode where Phil and Pen go further into the practical tools to bring Responsitivity to life in your conversations, your team and your organisation.

Transcript

Coining Responsitivity

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I'm gonna say a word. And from there, the fountain will spring. Responsitivity. There it is. Is it a word? This could be, this could be like a million-dollar business. Responsitivity. Responsitivity is what we call, in the rap trade, a mash-up. I can't believe you just said mash-up. I did.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

It's a mashup. Any of my children. That's exactly what I did mash-up. I literally just thought that I was so.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

Auntie Philippa, you're so proud of. Is your first response always the problem? And here's the responsitivity shift. It's not that we're looking, consciously looking for the negative, it's just a pattern response. Yeah. But we look for the negative before we look for the gift. And we're gonna talk about why we do it, what that coding is, and how we can overcome it. And we're talking about intentional choice to respond with positivity. Once we get into the habit of this, it can become our sort of more of an autopilot way of operating. I certainly feel that over the years I've been, you know, doing this kind of work. It's not that I always respond in a responsitivity way, but I definitely do it more often. I'm definitely more conscious of it. So we we can get there. Yeah. And it's really, really important. So let's talk first of all some of the places we can think about this. Hello, my name's Philippa Walla. My name is Penelope Walla, and we are two of the directors at 4D Human Being. And welcome to the 4D Human Being podcast. What's it all about, Pen? It's all about your personal and professional relationships, it's about your communication skills, how you lead, how you work and build teams, how you are looking after yourself and your well-being, and how you are much more at choice. What do we mean by that? Well, sometimes we can get a little caught in patterns in life, and we can all be a little bit on our automatic pilot. So, 40 human being is all about helping us get back to choice and being a four-dimensional human being, and your fourth dimension, of course, is intention. So, whether it's about your impact, your leadership style, your team dynamics, whether it's about your well-being, whether it's about your communication or your presentation skills. Anything that involves human beings interacting with other human beings, 4D Human Being are here to help. We're gonna take a deep dive and look at some tools, insights, theories that are gonna help you go from a 3D human doing to a 4D human being. So that you can happen to the world rather than the world simply happening to you. Sting testing and drinking. Stay hydrated. Stay hydrated. So I'm a scorcher. It's just gone up, hasn't it? It's like the temperature is like as like an ECG in a hospital in a slightly terrifying way. Well it's just shot up, hasn't it? Yeah. It's suddenly panting dogs in the footwheel of a car. Is it because that's the barometer? I was thinking more ice cubes clinking in a glass or sitting by a river, but you're thinking panting dogs in the footwell of a car. Yes. So we all have different summer experiences. It's all hot dogs, isn't it? Fair enough. Nearly the 4th of July. Um my hot dogs are literal literal hot dogs. Literal hot dogs. Yeah. So welcome to the first in two episodes, taking us into the summer. Yeah, we've enjoyed this feel for a couple of reasons, haven't we? Because summer for us means we can go a little bit off peace. A little bit rogue. Although I do wonder if we're on peace for the rest of the year. But anyway, we decided let's have a little bit of sort of fun. Let's think of some things that we just really want to have some fun with and talk about before we come to our kind of back to school season when we get a bit more serious. So there were never never that serious. And also, this is something we really notice a lot. And I'm gonna say a word, and from there, the fountain will spring. Responsitivity. There it is! You are so proud of that. In fact, I said put a little copyright C at the end of it, Phil. Is it a word? This could be this could be like a million dollar business, responsitivity. A million dollars. So, Phil, do you want to unpack that for the few people who wouldn't have worked that out? Responsitivity is what we call, in the rap trade, a mashup.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

I can't believe you just said mashup. I did. It's a mash-up. Any of my children. I didn't hear that. That's exactly what I did mash up.

SPEAKER_03 4:37

I literally just thought that I was so Auntie Philippa, you're so bad. Responsitivity is a mashup of response and positivity. I love it. And the reason we are talking about responsitivity, just one more time. It's a word now. Mashup of response. That's a thing and positivity. It's a thing. As soon as you've said it, it becomes a thing. It's a thing. It wasn't a thing. And now it's a thing. And the reason we're talking. I'm so proud of is I can't I can't tell you listeners how many times I have heard the word responsitivity over the past couple of weeks. I'm shuffling my papers like a like a newsreader, because it's it's like a it's like a headline. It's like a it's like a what do we call it? Like a uh breaking news. Breaking news. Breaking news, breaking news, responsitivity is the new word of the summer 2026. The responsitivity shift.

When The First Response Turns Negative

SPEAKER_03 5:28

So is your first response always the problem? And here's the responsitivity shift. Because you and I, I mean it's something we just it's like once you see it, you can't unsee it. And we've always talked about it. We just had a real run of it recently where we were sort of laughing about the fact that you could say something really neutral or really innocuous or really nice to somebody, and we notice how often we get the yeah, but you know, this is the problem with it. Yeah, or it's not or not, or not even that language. Like it's so like people don't even realize that they've gone into the problems. I commented on someone about they had they had a tattoo. Yeah, and they immediately told me what they didn't like about the tattoo. Yes, what the problem was when they'd had it either. Yeah, and it's just once you start noticing it, I don't and I don't think it's a particularly just British thing, although we are pretty brilliant at it. Yeah, I think culturally there probably are differences, and I think a lot of us do it, and we'll talk about why we do it. And also, once you see this, yeah, you can't unsee it. You can't see it, Phil. So if I give you like so, and this is of course personal and professional, this is this is work and home. And so if I give you three examples, just quick short moments that you'll probably all recognise. So, one, you've just done a presentation, somebody says to you, ah, that was really, really great. Um, I really loved it. And and your response is, and it could be the other way around, it could be you complimenting them, and you hear this response. So, you know, we we do it and other people do it. Really loved your presentation, well done. Oh, I don't know, I think I rushed the second half and the slides weren't right. How often do you hear that kind of response? Second moment. These are just examples. Manager asks their team in a general update, how's everyone doing? First person to speak. Well, to be honest, I'm a bit swamped at the moment. And um, there's you know, it's been a lot. Second degrees, and the third says, Yeah, it's been really stressful. And there we go, there's the dominoes, very good. Nobody mentions anything good because you've already set the tone, you've already set the negativity, not the responsitivity, pen. I'll be using that word regularly throughout. And then moment three as a leader or as a team member, you want to celebrate a target that's been hit, and you say, Oh, you know, it's great, the target's been hit. And the first words out of the leader's mouth or the project owner's mouth is, yeah, great, but it didn't have to take so long, did it? You know, we missed a couple of deadlines. One second later, room has deflated. Now, can I also add, just in terms of our personal lives, and we'll I'm sure we'll get on to this. Notice it, partners, yeah, siblings, child your children, nieces and nephews. When you're listening to them or observing them, and there's something is required. So I'll give you an example. So, like, let's say my kids are doing an online lesson or some homework or something with with a tutor, and I and I can hear them in the background. My brain processing is immediately thinking of listening to it, working it out, working what's good, and then I go to the negative, and then I think of what I need to tell them to do better or better something. But of course, they haven't been inside my head. And so when I speak, I think, well, I've done that. Yeah, yeah. So I only need to say that bit, but that's the only bit they hear. That's the only bit, and and there's lots of reasons why we have we go to the negative, we go to the problem. So we're gonna look at that. It's really common. This is not to beat ourselves up about it, and you know, if you think about those examples and what you've just said, Penn, about you know, responding to something that needs doing or isn't quite working on responding to. It's not that we're looking consciously looking for the negative, it's just a pattern response. Yeah. But we look for the negative before we look for before we look for the gift. And we're gonna talk about why we do it, what that coding is, and how we can overcome it. And of course, from in 4D language, we're really talking about firing up that fourth dimension. Remember the dimensions physical, emotional, intellectual, and the fourth dimension, intentional. And when we have such strong evolutionary patterns like this, and you know, very good reasons why, hardware, all of that. We have to fire up that fourth dimension and make it a conscious choice. We can't wake up one day and say, I'm just gonna be more positive today, and hope that that's just gonna start happening. It's like saying I'm gonna learn Italian and hope that somehow that just gets into your brain. It's a choice moment to moment. Yeah, and and the first stage of that responsivity, I'm saying it's such a good word for it. Such a good word. The first part of that, of course, is awareness. And I do sometimes say to my clients, I don't know if this is this is 100% true, I haven't done the scientific research on it, but I do sometimes say to them, look, awareness is sort of 90% of the journey, it's 90% of the work. Because once you see things like this, yeah, it's really, really challenging to stay stuck in your patterns because it's like we did an episode, didn't we, once on that part of our brain where it's like a sort of programming system? Yeah, the uh the default mode, yeah. The rectivating. Yeah, be careful how you say that. It's not that, it's not that, it's the RSA. Yes, anyway, it doesn't matter. Point being that once you bring something into your consciousness, like we gave the example on the episode, if you if you bring into your consciousness red cars, you you will just see red cars. So now you've brought into your consciousness, people seem to respond to questions and things with the sort of problems or the negative. Now you won't be able to see it. And that is sort of almost 90% of the work because you you almost can't well you mean you mean you that's all you can see, you mean? You won't be able to not see it. Yeah, you won't be able to not see it. And I guess what I would say to that is we'll give you some tips and tools about how to sort of overcome it. But once once you've raised that awareness level, it's difficult not to do anything about it because it's like it's screaming at you every day and you can't see anything else. Interestingly, at that point, to not do anything about it is an active choice to remain to remain negative or you know whatever the thing is. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So what we're gonna do is if you heard that noise, that was a squeaky toy. That was Humphrey stepping on a squeaky ferret. It was. And and there might be a little bit of a war breaking out. He's got his dirty bindings that you might be. So, what we're gonna do in this episode is we're going to talk about why this happens. So the the what in terms of the negativity bias, which leads us to perhaps say things that are a bit more humble, negative, yeah, problematic than we need to. Uh the neuroscience behind it, how to really spot it, and then we'll we'll set you up for episode two where we'll really talk about how we can shift into different ways of responding and also why this is important. Yeah. Because it is really important. Yeah, and actually it's a get it's a big game changer in life. Yeah. And opportunities and success and your personal profile.

SPEAKER_01 12:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:19

Which, of course, early plug is a is a series on 4D on demand. You can buy our personal profile, which has so many tools on how to really show up as the kind of you, the I'm doing bunny ears here, brand, reputation profile that you want to. Yeah, how what it's like to work with you. So let's start with negativity bias.

Negativity Bias And Teflon Velcro

SPEAKER_03 12:41

This is the internal piece, but because really what we're mainly talking to is yes, we're talking about there we go. Yeah, they're fighting for the bunny and the ferret. The fight over the bunny and the ferret. The ferret. Yeah. So um that that growl from yours. He's it's so listeners could see him. He's so unterrifying in person. Yes, but and yet the noise. Yet the noise. Yeah, which is useful for, you know, well, it's all his belt, exactly. He's only got the vocals, he hasn't got the he hasn't got the size. He's playing to his strength. He's playing to his strength. He's playing to his strength, Ben. Just don't, if you don't see him, it could be a doperman. Okay. So we're mainly looking at raising internal awareness, and ultimately what we're really interested in is the communication bit, is how you are in relationship and how you communicate. And I would also say, whilst we're not necessarily talking about this on this episode, of course, that internal piece can often be unhelpful in terms of what we think about ourselves as well. Absolutely, yeah, exactly. So we're gonna start with quintessential. But this is responsivity, which is talking to responses. It's talking to responses, but to understand where it comes from, which which starts with our negativity bias. This is really well documented, you know, it's from our evolution. Let's say we're on the savannah, we're much uh it's much more useful to us to spot the predator than it is to spot the pretty flower. So it's not that it's not that that's not you know nice to spot the pretty flower, but if we don't spot the pretty flower, we've missed out on a on a moment of potential salad garnish or you know, a nice visual stimuli. If we don't see the tiger, we risk death. We've missed out on life. So negativity bias has developed and evolved for a very good reason, but we have to be super aware of it when we step into a meeting and there's no tiger. Um, but there might be lots of really nice flowers for us to celebrate. So it is not a personality flaw. If you find yourself being negative, particularly, I'm gonna say these words, I hope this isn't ageist, but particularly as we get older, the reason I think it's okay to say that is because we have practiced our neural pathways, have had more time to bed into that evolutionary process. So I think it's fair, it's because it's not personal, it's not a bad attitude, it's not that you have a pessimistic personality. For most of history, a threat could kill you. So we've learnt to check in with the negative, and that does mean, unfortunately, though, when we are in a conversation and someone says, Oh, I like your dress, we'll go, Well, it wasn't really the colour that I originally wanted. It was only £10. Oh, it was only £10. We we always look for the kind of uh bit because I've had it for years, yeah, exactly. Whereas that probably came from, oh, this is an interesting place. Oh, yeah, but there's a tiger on the landscape. So this is this is where it came from. Um, neuroscientists also call this the negativity dominance principle. And researchers Rick Hansen and Richard Mendius have described this as I love this. Think about Teflon and Velcro, and the Teflon experience is the positive just runs off you like Teflon. So you say, Oh, you know, that you know, you give someone a compliment after a presentation, and it sort of runs off you, and you don't hold it, or you get a bunch of feedback, ten great things, but one negative. The positive runs off you like Teflon. And in fact, somebody says to you, or reports, we've had this with people who are who send me the reports and say, Oh, it's terrible. And I read it, I go, it's really good. And I say to them, can you tell me some of the good stuff in that? And they can't remember. It's like Teflon, it they have they have no absorbed. And do you know often what what people say, and I think this this kind of plays into this pattern and sort of exaggerates it, is often when we're in workshops, people will say, Can you just tell me the bad stuff? Yeah, it's almost like let's just cut to the chain, that's all I need to know. Because anyway, I won't listen to the good stuff anyway. Because it's Teflon, it's just Teflon, it's gonna go, it's gonna run off like Teflon. And then the Velcro, of course, is the negative, which is you barely have to say it's like seeds in my dog's hair at this time of year. It barely needs to touch, and it's stuck, and I spend my evenings picking seeds out, and that's what we've got to do with the negativity, isn't it? It's like vet it's like velcro. Somebody says, Well, yeah, it was okay. That is gonna stick like it's the most negative negative comment. So you can really understand, based on that that principle and how our brains work, you can really understand why when somebody says to you, for example, did you have a nice holiday? it makes perfect sense that the sticky thing at the front of your mind was the bad food in that restaurant. Because that's what you remember. Exactly, despite the other 13 days, because the other 13 days of sort of nice, easy pleasure just rolled, rolled out, rolled through your memories on Teflon. Yes. And the bad meal stuck like velcro. So just in those sort of habitual conversations where we're not really being intentional, the brain will pick the thing that is stuck the most. And if we think about this from a therapeutic standpoint or trauma history, often people find it very difficult to re remember the good stuff about their childhood. Not because there wasn't some, or because mainly it was just we had fish fingers, it was fine. And then we watched telly. It was just fine. Whereas I remember the day my dad told me to, you know, go out, go out to my room and don't come down until the morning. Like I remember that because that's really sticky, but you know, it might have only happened once. And it's really interesting, isn't it, Phil? In the news at the moment, with the political changes that we've got going on in the UK. And there was an interview this morning with the sort of ex-chief of staff of our soon-to-be ex-prime minister. And he was exactly he's exactly been saying we should have been more positive from the get-go. Yeah. And it's just not where lots of us go instinctively. Yeah. And actually, that is really that is really already pulling together, Pen, that's already seeding kind of the whole arcing umbrella over this whole thing is we are it is to our detriment if we forget about the emotional dimension. Because for all the facts and all the issues and all of the real, definitely, you know, but you know, we can absolutely be, you know, rationally say, well, that is the truth. Yeah, definitely have that bad. It's all true, or you know, definitely, you know, whatever the problems are in the country or community you live in. But we we must remember how how much more people are long-term affected by the emotional dimension. So Roy Baumaster and colleagues did a landmark paper on this called Bad is Stronger Than Good. And it's worth just holding that phrase in mind for some of the tools that we're gonna give for sometimes how much effort you have to put in to shift from the negative to the good because bad is stronger than good. So you've got to be a superhero positive, yeah, you've got to be responsivity on steroids. And this is one of my favourite coaching topics, I have to say, because of that, because the gap and the leap, it's it's a relatively sort of simple concept to get, but the gap and the leap in terms of the shift you can make in your communication and your leadership and your team culture is enormous. Enormous. So once you get it, that's why I love coaching on this stuff. Yeah. So responsitivity, you've said it a few times. I'm gonna say it a few times. Absolutely. So exactly so too. So so just so exactly as you said, we feel loss more than we feel an equivalent gain. Yeah, we feel the criticism more than we feel an equivalent praise. So that is something we we need to know that at the baseline for us to know that we have got a bias to override to get to responsitivity, Pen. Exactly. So responsivity, I'm gonna say it again, Phil. I mean, if if the if the listeners don't get this word embedded in their sticky memory by the end of this episode, it's like it's like advertising, you've got to say it, say it, say it at least seven times, they say apparently. Uh so responsivity, as Silver said, response and positivity, it's yeah, it's her, it's her new favourite mashup. And we're talking about intentional choice to respond with positivity. Responsivity, say it again, um, and it's about actively choosing. So it is firing up that more conscious part of ourselves. Although I would offer, once we get into the habit of this, it can become our sort of more of an autopilot way of operating. I certainly feel that over the years I've been, you know, doing this kind of work, it's not that I always respond in a responsivity way, uh, but I definitely do it more often. I'm definitely more conscious of it. So we we can get there. Yeah. And it's really, really important. So let's talk first of all some of the places we can think about this. So responding to a compliment, this is one of my absolute favorites. And again, I think this is true of lots of people in different cultures, it's it's beyond true in the UK. I was really thinking as we've been watching the World Cup that we have this strange sort of combination in the UK of absolute self deprecation and humility, like we'll absolutely bat away any compliments. If someone says, Oh, you look really nice today, and you'll go, Oh god, no, I didn't have time to do it. So we'll bat it away. But I do think there is something culturally about us that we think we in in some ways we think we Pretty great underneath it. It's a funny thing. I think we have a pride, and that word can, of course, be negative energy. Yeah, and we can find it quite hard to share that pride. It can and can veer into arrogance. Exactly. So compliments. When people give you a compliment, it's a gift, and we'll tend to just sort of bat bat it away. It feels uncomfortable sometimes for some of us. Responding to feedback, I would say we most often talk about responding to feedback in our work, responding to negative feedback, and the fact that we find that very challenging. And actually, responding to positive feedback isn't always done in a very sort of skillful, thoughtful way. So, you know, as Philip has said, we'll give you, I'll give you 10 compliments on one piece of development work. I will bat away or ignore those 10 compliments. And someone's taking the time to think about those and craft them and share them with you. Uh responding to questions. Yes, absolutely. How are you? Not great. Or even not bad, is the word bad is in there. Yeah, how's your holiday? Yeah, it's alright, but I'm back home now. I mean, busy is the word du jour, isn't it? Yeah. So stressful. Yeah, I very often will open a uh coaching session, particularly with coaches I haven't seen for a while, you know, how things at work busy. Yeah. How's the how's the building project nightmare? Yeah, yeah. So responding to questions. Yeah, how are the builders? Oh, yeah. Double the budget. Yeah. Um, so simple questions or more sort of detailed uh questions. And as we said before, how we are responding in our own head, even if it's sort of not our turn to respond in a conversation, notice what's going on in your head as as people are speaking, either thinking thoughts about yourself or thinking of thoughts about the topic, just notice where they sit on the responsitivity scale. We've even got a scale now, Phil. I mean, it's a it's it's a growing concept, it's practically a whole book, I reckon. So there's lots of different places um where this is gonna show up.

Why It Shapes Culture And Reputation

SPEAKER_03 23:55

And I think it's important to talk about why this matters so much because part of this is very much about your sort of brand and your reputation. So how people see you, you know. Are you one of the one of the people who always come in and sort of go, Oh, well, the problem with that is oh, I didn't have a good weekend. So it's how people see you, it's how people feel spending time with you, working with you. It's also about what you're sort of spreading to other people in terms of wellness, uh you know, contagion, all of those kind of things. It's also your self-belief, so that you know how you're processing things internally. We also spoke about the fact that it's a really good way to stand out from the crowd because it's not that everybody does this. Yeah, and that actually most people don't answer with responsivity. Most people are in the negative bias, you know, it's the water in our goldfish bowl, so it's such a quick way to seem different, to stand out, to have to be the person that people want to be around. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, and the other thing that just comes up to me around that because I've just you know thought of another thing, just you know, moving from kind of your own personal profile, your own brand, through to what it's like to work with you, through to the contagion on other people. And and actually, even on top of that is opportunities that if you're if you ask someone how they are, or you say, How was your holiday, and you've immediately got the negative, you're already kind of closing down that conversation. Whereas if you if you open up with with what was positive, you're already in that from an improvisation perspective, you're already in that build, and that is going to take you somewhere different. And who knows where that could go in terms of ideas, collaboration, possibility. You know, who wants to book their next holiday with the person who's just said it was absolutely dreadful, 90%. And the same in project. And this is particularly true through uncertainty and change, and I'm really noticing the anxiety that people have got around change and change and uncertainty. It feels like the most honest way to respond to uncertainty is to highlight the problems, the negativity, the things we're worried about. I get it, there is an alternative. This is also about how you feel, how you feel every day of your life. It's also about relationships because what you're putting into the mix in terms of that responsitivity will then influence how that other person responds to you, and that whole dynamic will start shifting. I couldn't agree more. And and actually, there is usually something, even in the even in the toughest of times, you know, if we think go back to the pandemic, and we you know, we could all say, Oh, you know, it's dreadful, it's whatever. But actually, you know, it's it's given me some real space to think. It's really made me appreciate the smaller things in life or whatever it is. I was um I had a chest infection recently, and as I was just sort of 70-80% better and started to go back to the gym and yoga, and people asked me how I was, and I was really conscious because they said, Oh, it's been really, you know, it must be been really awful. Oh, it sounds like it really lasted a long time. And so I was being presented with the with the kind of slightly downbeat, and I was really conscious to say, you know what, I'll tell you how I am. When you've had when you've had bad health and you suddenly feel at 80% again, you're like I'm on fire. I'm on fire at 80%. I'm so good to feel even 80%. So it's finding that finding that responsivity. The final thing I would say on that, and this will come through in the sort of intentional piece that we'll speak about, is I think it's really useful to think about your engagement, your communication as a gift to another person. And why why do you want why do you want to give them the gift on a Tuesday afternoon dog walk? Why do you want to give them the gift of food poisoning in a Thailand hotel? Like for what end? Yeah, loads of places it can show up, loads of reasons why it matters, and it certainly matters in the workplace as well, in terms of team dynamics. Well, because left unchecked the negative response, it becomes the communication style of your team and your organization, and then it becomes culture. Yes, it becomes how we talk around here, it becomes the way that we are, and then I like it when you say the water in the goldfish bowl. Yeah, the water in the goldfish bowl, you don't even notice it. You know, you mentioned earlier you know, a couple of watch outs. It can feel like or it can be justified, the negative response, as humility. Yes, and it can kind of masquerade, oh you know, I loved your presentation. Oh, I didn't I didn't think I did very well this time, it wasn't that good. And you know, you can kind of frame that as, well, you know, I don't want to be too big for my boots, as we say, I don't want to be arrogant. So we offer humility, but actually, if you really stop and think about what you've done, somebody has opened the door to you or offered you a gift, and you've said, no, yeah, no, thank you. Yeah, I won't have that.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:58

Rather than just really working to try, what a lot, even if you even if you don't want to see the positive, or you or it's too edgy for you to say, actually, I was really pleased with with that middle section, or I was really pleased with the Q ⁇ A with the audience. Even if you don't want to be positive and celebrate something that you've done, you could be positive about what they say. What a what a nice thing to say. Yeah. Thank you for taking the taking a moment to come and say that to me. That's really nice. It's really thoughtful, really kind. You could be positive about their response. And this is another big one to watch out for that again with that sort of humility piece, I think this is just so huge. We have a choice in those moments not to level down, but to level up. So if somebody says, Oh, I'm really not very good at presenting, you know, you you did a really good job there, and you want to, you you don't want to feel like you're out, your your your higher status to them. Where you might go is, oh yeah, well, I'm a bit rubbish too. Yeah, I'm a bit rubbish too. You don't, yeah, don't you worry because I'm rubbish. And so you actually you want to level up. So when someone says, Oh, I thought that was really bad, my presentation, I really didn't think I was any good. Or you want to bring everybody up. Ah, I thought you were so good. And I'm gonna take that thing because I really want to add that into my presenting, because you know, it's something I want to, you know, I really want to give my audience a good time. That everybody starts leveling up rather than levelling down. I'm great. I'm great, you're great. Yeah, I'm great, you're great. Or you know, you were you you definitely improved and I want to improve. Like, definitely, you know, let think about leveling up, bringing everybody up rather than humility, bringing everybody down, because that actually is a negative response. And one more thing on that, it takes courage. Yes, it takes courage not to stay in the pattern of negative and small. I'm gonna play small, I'm gonna say I'm a bit rubbish, and that's safe. Actually, it takes courage to say, you know what, thank you. And I was really pleased with that as well, because I worked hard on it, and I really appreciate that you say that. Yeah, exactly. Responsitivity to yourself, Philip. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So think about those everyday questions. How's your week? Compliments, performance conversations, messaging and emails as well, and uh obviously in leadership and our daily relationships, and even if it's useful, just really sort of almost notice the ratio. I mean, we'll we'll get onto things to notice, but I think emails is a really brilliant one. Yeah. In terms of it doesn't mean that you can't say the problem. Yeah, absolutely, 100%. Yeah, but we'll but we'll we'll talk about that. Well, especially as we're scanning those emails like the for the negative. We're not even so you've gotta you've gotta put it in caps. Yeah, you've got to put it in caps. You've got to put it at the top, put it at the bottom, always open and closed with the positive. Exactly. Let's talk briefly about the neuroscience, just again, just to back up what why this is happening and and what's what is actually physically happening when we go into responsitivity. So when we get a threat or a criticism or um even a perceived slight, or if um if we're remembering our holiday and we think and we've got that velcro bit. We've got that velcro, but we've got we've got that negative. The amygdala, which is in that lovely sort of you know, back of our brain, the limbic system, the early brain, fires up. So we've got that emotional response, and that is going to respond much, much quicker than our prefrontal

The Brain Science Behind The Reflex

SPEAKER_03 32:14

cortex, which is why it has to be intentional our response. Because the neuroscience is much, much quicker to the emotional to the alarm system of problem, danger, the bit that wasn't good, the bit I didn't enjoy, the Velcro. Yeah, it's useful for that to be quick. Like go back going back to the savannah, not much time. We don't need a prefrontal cortex debating over a snake. No, we definitely want the quick response, yeah. Exactly, it's really useful. But we have to have to remember this. When we get the trigger, the heart rate goes up and we go to the negative. Catch it, because it's quick. Yeah, but we can override it. Yeah. I've say to so many people this week: if you cannot lead your own body and mouth, why are you leading other people? Start with leading your own body and language, you know.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:00

Here's just the last piece on the negative uh response neuroscientifically is John Caccioppo found so you always manage to find Italian research. I think it's a lot too love it. But there's a lot. There is in psychology. Yeah, there's a lot. There's a lot of research done by Italians in psychology. So But we do also get a chance to hear your Italian pronunciation. Yeah, which is a lovely. Thank you, but I'll take that compliment. Thank you so much. Um, responsitivity. Negative stimuli, and I get and that's internal and external, produces a greater surge of electrical activity in the brain. So you're literally being, you know, if you were if you were being electrocuted, you'd it's a much stronger prod. That's amazing. Oh, that when we have a negative thought or input. So we're literally, we are literally wired to pay more attention to the bad. So we again I'll go back to the body. I've said so many times to people this week, the body is the easier door often because it's such a clear signal. It's like an alarm bell. And when you get the alarm bell of heart rate up or slightly uncomfortable or tense, and you're the next thing is the thought is negative, you've got all that messaging. Yeah. Stay in tune with your body, catch it, stop. It's like a butterfly net, just catch it in the net, catch on to it. Drop your shoulders, yeah. Take a take a beat. An answer from the prefrontal cortex. We sort of we sort of have to let the it's like letting the electrical surge release, isn't it? Yeah. I wonder what the world would be like if the opposite was true. Yeah, oh, it would be it would be like some sort of Nirvana. Yeah, be like some sort of nirvana. Now, on the responsitivity, remember neurocoupling. When we I think you you you mentioned earlier that contagion, when we respond with positivity. Responsitivity, responsivity, thank you very much, good catch. Responsitivity, new phrase. Responsitivity, you're firing up the other person's brain in a similar way. You are giving them a gift from right inside their brains to go through their day now. So it's not just affecting your own brain state, it's affecting theirs. And so you're doing a lot, and it means being super aware of not seeking connection through complaint. Seek connection through positivity. You you both of us standing in a corner saying how terrible the world is. In a way, we're seeking connection, we're seeking sameness. But imagine what the world would be like, as you said, if we seek connection through how brilliant. Yeah. Well, it's a really brilliant moments we have. It's a really interesting point in terms of you know, lots of discussions going on at the moment around sort of the silos in social media, particularly in terms of political beliefs and thoughts, and how we can get sort of siphoned off into quite negative conversations with groups of like-minded people. And we may feel a sort of connection, certainly in the short term, because it feels like ah, there's tribal a bit like me. My question would be and where does that then take you? Where does that go? Where does that take you both in terms of how you feel about yourself, the world, other people, and also in terms of solutions and better outcomes? You know, it's closing down, isn't it? Exactly. It is is it gonna lead to that? And whilst it can feel harder to pull ourselves into that more positive sharing and positive connection where we feel like we have things in common there, it can feel harder to get there, much more likely to be longer term, make you feel good, and lead to some outcomes. It's fun, Bob, fun, fun Bobby and friends, isn't it? You know, that you that it you it's you know you want to be you want to be around them because suddenly your things happen. Things are happening. Exactly. So just be aware of those kind of um reasons why we do it and that we can flip them. You know, sometimes we are fishing for reassurance. No, it wasn't very good. Really, what we want is for you to tell me again that it was good. So say thank thank you so much. I'd love to hear two or three things that you thought were particularly good. You know, if we really know what's going on and we can we can do it in a positive way. Um, notice if your family members behave like this and whether it's just simply learned, you've just been conditioned in this way, and it's not really your choice, it's just what you've it's just what you've kind of inherited. Yeah. And also, yeah, just check, you know, that thing, uh it sounds all the time. You know, when you say touch wood, because I always think of this the fear of hubris. If I get too too grand, if I if I if I allow too much positivity, I mean this is that pride comes becomes before the fall. Pride comes before the fall, exactly. Yeah, if if I if I allow if I allow that compliment in, if I allow myself to acknowledge that I did do a good job, I'm really tempting fate that next time I'll really scrub. Oh, superstitious. Very superstitious. Yeah, yeah. So maybe a few stats go on uh on this. So I'll only I'll we'll only give two or three. So, first one to mention, which we have mentioned before on this podcast, is um work from the Gottman Institute, and there's also work from um Barbara Frederickson's positivity ratio research. I did this in my master's degree with Barbara Frederickson many years ago. The ratio, if you like, of given that negative bias, given how much we've got that velcro in our brains where the negative things will stick, what that I'm just gonna be thinking about. I've just got this image now of like I'm gonna say it's like you know, like um I'm gonna

Positivity Ratios And Leadership Impact

SPEAKER_03 38:31

say it shit. Like shit sticking to velcro, like like just that's what it's like like rubbish and like like Detritus and rubbish. All the nice things, all the sweet and pandas and floating off and all the nasty little yeah so what this means is is that because of that, sticky shit. Nora, don't call this episode sticky S H I T. So we have to work really hard, both for ourselves as leaders and TN colleagues and as partners, relationships, we have to work really hard to boost that positivity ratio. And there's there's various um sort of beliefs and research on this. So Barbara Frederickson's talks about you need three positive things for every one negative thing. The John Gottman Institute spoke more about kind of a five to one ratio, regardless of what the number is. Basically, what it's saying is if you want any of the positive stuff to stick, yeah, you're gonna have to give it in volumes compared to the negative stuff. So that's the that's the first thing to think about. So, as a leader, yeah, if you've got one really tough bit of news, whack in three to five really good bits. And they say that in in marriages it's 15 to 1. But anyway, we'll we'll part that from that. That's a lot of work if you've said something mean. That's a lot of work. Yeah, we know that 89% of employees who leave organizations tend to cite relationship reasons, uh boss reasons rather than salary. Again, this is about that interactivity, the connection, and that always comes down to our communication. So really think about responsitivity there.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:02

And then you are six times more likely to be disengaged at work if you're if you believe that your manager focuses more on what you do wrong than what you do right. And what's really interesting is about six times more likely to be disengaged. And what's really interesting about this is that if I think about leadership and lots of sort of people that I've met, I think sometimes we can unconsciously believe that part of our job as leaders is to spot the stuff that people are doing wrong. And it's not that that's not true. It's how loudly we bang that drum, isn't it? It's how and it's how we bang that drum. And it's how recognising how easy it's going to be. Remember the velcro, remembering how easy it's going to be for your team members to feel and perceive, even if you don't think that this is you, to feel and perceive that you focus more on what they do wrong than what they do right. So real watch outs there. Yeah. So it really is thinking about responsitivity, a really good way to think about it is rather than focusing on what's wrong or problematic, is focusing on what's good or possible. So it doesn't have to be that you can't exactly that you can't name what's difficult. It's becoming much more intentional. So if the you know, I don't know, you know, a deadline was missed or you know, a project got delayed, it's not to pretend that didn't happen. It's to start looking at, you know, firstly what was good. We would call this a neural reframe. What what were we pleased about based on what was happening and what was possible? And what what can we do next time? You know, what would we all love? So it's it's it's big it's that very, very conscious response of not just looking at the problem, uh, looking at what is possible. Yeah. So big costs in terms of relationships, team dynamics, um, people retention, your own health, well-being, and happiness, um, your own sort of ambition, success, you know, where you feel you can get to, how you're seen. So lots and lots of reasons to really, really think about this. This is not just sort of soft data. This is the there's a real domino effect to negative responses, and there's a real cost ultimately. And it's like anything in terms of those incremental day-to-day moments of how we communicate, how we interact, and our responses is in the moment we think, well, it's tiny, you know, it's just that moment in the corridor. It was one meeting, it was one phone call, it was one email. Yeah. But the drip, drip, drip, you know, it's death by a thousand paper cuts that eventually, as we said, it becomes it becomes culture until we're so, you know, we're just drained or numbed or disconnected, like you said, disengaged. So this is not about looking for the dramatic moments where you sort of exploded with all the negative, I was terrible, everyone did a terrible job. And you can obviously you can really see that, you know, you'd walk away from a moment like that and you'd be very clear, oh God, I could have done that better. It's the small, ordinary, completely unremarkable moments that are drip, drip, dripping this leadership style, this communication style, this team culture, this organizational culture. So this is why that intentionality needs to be day to day today, moment to moment to moment. Check in before every meeting, check in before every conversation, check the before you open your mouth. Literally, we would say to people, become aware of what falls out of your mouth. Because it's the it's the words that fall out that are usually the negative or the problem or the and we have to be conscious about responsibility. You know, I think it's really interesting, Phil, and I'll talk about this in one of the sort of awareness tools. That I don't know how much we are sort of taught to understand that what forms in our brain can be different to what we choose to come out of our mouths. That's a great point. And I think lots of us, A, we don't think about it, but B, we sort of think when thoughts have formed up here in my mind, that's the truth. Yeah. And I must say it. And if I don't, I'm somehow slightly being disingenuous or dishonest. Yeah. And Goldman would talk about this as emotional intelligence and emotional self-management. Yeah, and and I and thoughts just happen. I mean, we can have so many random crazy thoughts that we really do not need to release from the mouth. Well, also, also remember, they're happening from the amygdala and the velcro. Yeah. Because that's the strong imprint. So we have to really filter. I'm doing some really, really great work with my uh coach supervisor at the moment on this in the context of coaching and the kind of questions that we ask and the messaging that we give. And I would really sort of share with leaders that your brains are working very, very quickly. It's why you're successful, it's why you're doing what you're doing, and you're spotting problems, things you want to say, things you want to change, etc. etc. Be mindful about what you choose to actually say to people. A to get where you want to get to, b, think about how they feel. Yeah. So um let's go through the tools. Some of the tools. So we'll do another episode. Okay, no, we'll do another episode um to talk about sort of more tools in terms of communication. But here are a few quick things to think about. Notice the very first word that comes out of your mouth, but is a big one. Yeah. So notice if you've gone into the negativity rather than the responsibility. That's the first word. Oh yeah, no, or it isn't, or whatever you're gonna say, the pushback. Yeah. Secondly, the internal scan, we've just talked about this. Before you respond to anything, get really used to doing that internal scan. Pause for two seconds.

Six Awareness Tools To Practise

SPEAKER_03 45:44

Are you grabbing for the negative or can you form something positive? Yep. The five to one ratio audit. So whether this is on an email, a feedback session, uh, in your partnership and personal relationships, uh, can you pre or post a conversational meeting uh do a little a little mathematical calculation? What were my positive comments versus my negative comments? Love it. The humility check, this is one of my favourites. I literally used it this morning. Notice whether you want to make yourself small or wasn't that good, and you can really use the body for this. And notice what happens if you just allow yourself to balloon a little bit and see whether that helps you start to formulate a more positive response. So the humility check. And it can just be a little bit, it doesn't have to be a big massive balloon. The energy temperature. So we talk about energy a lot at 4D. So you can check out the energy tool on our 4D on demand impact series. Uh so this really is about what energy are you taking into a conversation, what sits underneath the words that you choose. Is it an energy that's down here? Is it an energy that's up here? Because that will change the language you then choose. And finally, number six is start to spot it in others. Be a responsitivity or negativity. Anthropologists start to notice, not because you want to judge them, not because you want to criticize them. Start to become aware of a how much it's happening, and B, the impact on you and other people. And we'll talk next time about how you can start shifting other people's negativity as well. So, in summary, negativity bias uh is not a character flaw, it's there for a very good reason, it's overused, arguably, because it is our quick and unconscious uh pattern, response pattern system. Responsitivity. This is not about always being polyana perfect and positive, it is about consciously choosing when a positive response might be more useful than that instant kind of negative problem bias that we have. Yeah, remember that deflecting a compliment is not humility, it's negativity bias, wearing humility as a mask, as a disguise. Remember our six awareness tools. We've got that first word check, the internal scan, the five to one ratio audit, the humility check, the energy temperature, and spot it in others. Become an anthropologist. And I will say one final thing before Philippa wraps up this episode. It matters, it matters, it matters. Yes, remember you are transmitting your state to other people. So, in the next episode, we are going to look at how to bring responsitivity to life. We're gonna give you some tools to become that person. Never get sick of that word. Never get sick of that word that can really transform your communication, other people's experience of conversations with you, and indeed the culture and dynamics of a team and organization. In the meantime, do check out our 4D on demand platform, our impact and personal profile series. They talk specifically to some things that are really useful here. Just packed with tools to help you do this on a day-to-day basis. And uh, if you really like this, do share it with somebody that you liked, or maybe somebody that you find a bit negative and a bit miserable. Give them some responsitivity. Obviously, you don't have to tell them that. You say, Oh, I thought, I thought, I thought you might like it. I did. Enjoy. And we'll see you next time. See you next time. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the 40 Human Being Podcast. We hope you enjoyed the show. Do take on board some of the insights, tools, and tips because every time that you try something new to get back to choice, you are making a vote for the you that you want to become. And I I love that phrase pen. I do too. And please do share this episode with somebody that you know would really benefit from the lessons and learnings we've been chatting about today. And of course, if you're interested in more from 4D Human Being, do get in touch. We run workshops, trainings online, in person, conference events and keynotes. We've got the 4D on-demand platform for your whole organization, and we do have a free essentials membership where anybody can sign up for absolutely free to access some of our insights, tools, and tips. So do get in touch with us if you'd like to hear more. We cannot wait to hear from you and to carry on the conversation.