4D Human Being Podcast | Live and Lead with Impact

Joy and Judgement at Christmas

• 4D Human Being

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What story will you tell about this Christmas when someone asks, “How were the holidays?”

This episode helps you swap judgement for joy and turns holiday interactions from a chore to a choice… so you enjoy the season and the people in it.

You will learn:

  • Why endings shape what we remember
  • How snap judgements flare and how to cool them fast
  • A quick reframe to move from rant to resourceful
  • Simple language tweaks that lift presence
  • Easy time tips so days feel roomier

Picture the family table. One kind interpretation. One calmer sentence. One steady breath. Notice how your physical, emotional and intellectual presence shifts.

Listen today and try one move in the run up to Christmas. Mark the start and end of your day, use the reframe once, and close one gathering on a high. Then share the episode with someone who would love a lighter Christmas.

The 4D Christmas Countdown - 4D Advent Calendar

Check out our Social Media Pages for your Fabulous 4D Countdown to Christmas: tips and insights for becoming a fully 4D Human Being during the festivities AND all year long. 


SPEAKER_00:

Hello, my name's Philip Walla. My name is Penelope Waller, and we are two of the directors at 4D Human Being. And welcome to the 4D Human Being podcast. What's it all about, Pen? It's all about your personal and professional relationships, it's about your communication skills, how you lead, how you work and build teams, how you are looking after yourself and your well-being, and how you are much more at choice. What do we mean by that? Well, sometimes we can get a little caught in patterns in life, and we can all be a little bit on our automatic pilot. So 40 human being is all about helping us get back to choice and being a four-dimensional human being, and your fourth dimension, of course, is intention. So whether it's about your impact, your leadership style, your team dynamics, whether it's about your well-being, whether it's about your communication or your presentation skills. Anything that involves human beings interacting with other human beings, 4D Human Being are here to help. We're gonna take a deep dive and look at some tools, insights, theories that are gonna help you go from a 3D human doing to a 4D human being so that you can happen to the world rather than the world simply happening to you. And we are recording. We're off, really. I want to say happy Christmas. Where are we going to be? We're going to be, not quite, but we're going to be. The last email before Christmas. Oh so it'll be the where are we, 10th, 11th, 12th? Yeah. No, no, this this podcast will go out on the 12th. Okay. So this will be the last podcast before Christmas. If that was a novel or a story. Yeah, yeah. That's a good title. It's a good title. The last. What happens? The last anything before anything. Yeah. That's what we call suspense in storytelling. Okay. Very good. So, yes, if you ha in fact, little super segue there. If you haven't seen the advent calendar, I'm doing bunny ears on the video. Uh, it's the count. Why bunny ears? Well, because an advent calendar is 24 doors. And we've got a countdown to Christmas, 10 doors. Firstly, because I thought 24 was overwhelming and who needs us every day in December. Although some people might say. I thought 10 was enough. Yes, definitely. And one of them, which went out I think yesterday, is what's your story? And I love that one. Just bringing it back to story type.

SPEAKER_01:

It's the one where I've got the Christmas bow round my neck.

SPEAKER_00:

The jaunty bow that I said. You made me wear that. I made you wear that. It's very Christmas bow. Do look a bit like a Christmas present. And it's very memorable. Well, in a good way or a bad way, I don't know. In a way. In a way. So Yes, no, it's true. What's your story? The Christmas story, which I really love, is actually, and as I was sort of write. Not as in the Christmas story. Well, exactly, because that's what I like about it, because it's not the Christmas story, although you love a link. Although, of course, if we go back far enough, there's other versions of the Christmas story which we've layered on Christianity, onto paganism, etc. But anyway, let's not go down that route. The Christmas story is the Christmas story. Yes. And then you might have a Christmas story which might be Christmas is past and you know, sure whatever. But the Christmas story that we're talking about is when someone says to you, How are your holidays? Yes, what falls out of your mouth? Well, at my experience is usually the worst bits, or usually the last bits. Well, not always the most conscious story. Oh, I've got to say something on that. Do you remember meeting somebody on a holiday who'd been married for 13 years and was really unhappy in the last few years and was really down on the ex and relationships and marriage. This wasn't me, was it? Could be many people, could be many people. But what was interesting was it was either one of us or someone we were with sort of pulled her up on it, but in an interesting way, and said, How long were you married for? And she said, 12 years. And she said, How much of that was good? And she said, Oh, the first seven, eight years were really happy. She said, Well, I'm just noticing that the story is about the last five, four, or five years. And I thought it was a really, really psychological. On the surgery, yeah. Well, also they they do things like they did all these experiments where you've had your hands in in those packets of cold water, and if you just made it colder for the last few seconds, the experience was significantly worse. Yes, and they've done it on surgery, where if you've had a you can have a like a far more painful surgery, let's say less anaesthetic. Yes. But the last few minutes are less painful, you're going to remember that as a much better experience than a person. It does show how how irrational we are. I mean, the moral of it is we're gonna we're we're gonna we're gonna sort of explode this and expand on a bit, but the moral is make sure that make sure the last thing you do over Christmas is really pleasant. The thing I would say about this is really, really, really notice how much your narrative is influenced by the last few minutes, hours, days, I mean even months of a relationship or an experience because psychology demonstrates that our narrative is made up of the last. You see, experience. I know how illogical that is. That if you've had and yet, and I'm gonna give an example of this, the logic, of course, is if you've spent 90 minutes bored out of your brain, but then two minutes utterly entertained. I'm thinking about West End musicals here. Oh, I love the finales. But it's the finale! Oh I love the finales. If you get the finale right, people will come out toe-tapping, singing the number, saying, that was amazing. It's the only reason you can tolerate a pantomime because you know they're all going to come out in colour-coordinated outfits at the end and do a big whoopy-doo. And I love it. What's interesting is but the two hours previously. But what's interesting, but what's interesting is that in show business, particularly musicals, that is a known thing. You have to you have to open pretty well, but you have to end well. And that's it. Yeah. So for anyone hosting Christmas out there, go out on a on a blinder, have a have a good dessert. Anyway, point point being, two things I would say about that. One is, well, three things. One is make it make it a really good ending. Second one is really, really notice how much you talk about the end of an experience as if it was the entire experience. And the third thing is, is can we super segue into I am all it's if if you haven't got one, I've definitely got one. Come on, super segue me upright nice bed. I'm I'm I'm I am literally having to gag myself. Well, I've got super segue. You're gonna do it better than me. I would say super segue, I would say you are totally making up and creating narrative in your head, whether good or bad, whether that's for most of the experience, five percent of the experience, you are making up that narrative in your head, and that is exactly what you're doing when you think people are judging you. Yeah, a hundred percent. I think mine was a little bit blunter, was more like when someone says, How was your holiday? and your mind wants to go, oh god, well, Uncle John was a freaking nightmare. So that's where you want to go straight to judgment. By the way, in case you hadn't realised this podcast, is absolutely about judgment, and judgment over the festive period is a wonderful time to talk about it because it's a bit like difficult situations or tragedy. We're with family. Our patterns just exactly our patterns just get dialed up. So we're thrust back into these old systems and dynamics, and all of those irritations, all of the reasons that we judge Uncle Uncle John and Auntie Jay, they are right. But it's also because family members tend to know, whether consciously or unconsciously, they tend to know which buttons to push by just by saying things that on the surface don't seem very judgy, but you know, yeah, like things like Pokemon Poketonsons. So things like um oh, you're thinking of serving red wine with the table. Yeah, that's right. That sort of thing. That's right. Right, you're like the actual work that's underneath it. You're like you're like, when did you last host Christmas? Yeah, who's paid for this wine? Yeah, exactly, exactly. And joy and sparkles awards. Well, it's interesting, isn't it? Joy and judgment. I mean, there it is. That's the title, isn't it? Yeah, joy and judgment. I mean, the jolly, jolly judgments of the jolly, jolly festivities, isn't it? So we're gonna We are our own worst end of Christian, which is what we're gonna say. Well, the interesting thing, isn't it, is that even as we think about Christmas or holidays, whatever you're celebrating, even before, as we as we route as we sort of, you know, hurtle as a lot of us are. I don't want to hurtle like Christmas. But you know, this December is like this. It's a hurdle food. I wanna I want to talk about time in minutes because I read something about time and stopping time. So interesting. I I saw that. It was so interesting. No, so interesting. Okay, we've got to come to that. We will come to that. I'm writing it down because we won't forget. But December Hurtle.

SPEAKER_01:

It's a hurtle thing. Something happens on the 1st of December. Something happens on the 1st of December.

SPEAKER_00:

I think the earth starts spinning. It starts spinning more quickly. Because it's like we're all put at the top of a mountain at the beginning of December and we're thrown down it and we just gain momentum. Do you know? That is exactly how it feels. And as we roll down the mountain, we're sort of grabbing grabbing gifts. Grabbing gifts. Like in sort of granting, yeah, yeah, exactly. Trying to trying to trying to bake a cake, and yeah, and by the time you get to the bottom, you know you haven't got much time. You're just you're grabbing anything at that point. Two things on that. One is I have not found time on my hurtle down the mountain to put my Christmas lights out the front of the house, and I'm the I'm the I'm the house now on this on the lane in pitch black, like the bar. I'm sorry, I've got to find some time. But but the second thing on that is of course, as you're hurtling down the mountain at an ever-increasing speed, trying desperately to grab gifts en route, you can only imagine how you are not going to be at your best by the time you get to Christmas Day, and therefore, judgment gets the chances of judging people is so much higher because our nervous system state.

SPEAKER_01:

But also, we're judging ourselves.

SPEAKER_00:

And we're judging ourselves because we haven't done enough because we've been hurtling down them. I mean, I even as I'm talking about it, I can feel the pace of my voice hurtling. I will say one thing just as a sidebar on this, which is that it is questionable whether it's good or bad to be the receiver of a gift that's that's grabbed at the very last minute down that mountain. Because there's two things that can happen. Well, three things. One is you don't get a gift because there's no time. The second one is you get a really rubbish gift, or the third one is you've just thrown good money after bad to get anything. It can end, it can end really well, can't it? Because you're just like, there's no I've got no time for thought, it's got to be cash. Exactly. That's the only option there. Okay, let's talk about judgment pen. Um, actually, before we do that, should we just do a very quick piece on time? Because I don't want to forget. I just loved it. It was that it was about presence, wasn't it? Yeah, Christmas presents. Um, but literally being present. But it was a it was a professor, wasn't it, who talked to his students about time and how they could feel like actually time was going less quickly, and they were they were sceptical. Sure. He gave them a sort of build of tasks to do, and the first one was to take five seconds, as far as I remember, before they started their day, just to stop, and then at the end of the day. So if you mark if you notice and mark the beginning and end of the day, and then I think there were other rituals like doing something slightly different, so doing one thing that's out of your routine. So the upshot of it is, which makes total sense, is that our brain, this is I mean, I just think this is so fascinating, it really made me think. Our brain compresses time when we create familiar routines, which makes total sense that in Daniel Carneman's work, we're j we're in system one so much, we're just in we're just in autopilot that it doesn't need to really think, and time just gets compressed and it's roll is it's rolling down that hill. When we start breaking the routine, in 4D language, we're firing up the intentional self. In Daniel Carneman's language, you're firing up your system two. The brain literally slows down. You are you literally experience time differently, and these students who took on these tasks, at the end of whatever it was, a month, they had to report whether they felt like they've had more time. And they did. Yeah, I know it's amazing. So we're all gonna live longer, which is sort of weird. So there you go. So there's our Christmas gift to you. You literally the gift of time. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? Okay, judgment. So not that it's only relevant, it's we all do it. Obviously. Um can we all own it? Yeah, we can all own it. So and actually, there's a really good reason for judgment, and one of the reasons we wanted to talk about this is it's come up, it's so funny, isn't it, how things come up quite sort of consistently and regularly across across clients. And it's a topic that's come up again. Yeah, we've been talking about this a lot recently where um you know I've spoken to some clients about you know things that they find really challenging, and judgment is really high up there on the list. Yeah, and I mean I guess the first thing to say about it is it is a really, really normal thing that human beings do. I mean, it's kind of it's kind of linked to how our brains make assumptions because going back to the Daniel Carleman work, system one, system two, but the system one is the sort of lazy part of the brain that's on autopilot, it's very sort of quickly trying to read small bits of data that are out there and analyse it based on existing beliefs and understanding, and then making quick decisions about it. So you can understand on that basis that if Auntie Jane was annoying last year, she's going to be annoying last year. And and how judgment is really has been really useful to us historically, you know, if you go way back. Because it's quick, you've it's very quick, it's quite negatively biased, yeah, because that's quite useful if you've got a new person entering. Yeah, they're dangerous or you're gonna make some judgments. Do I trust them? Um so it is there for a very good reason, and if you think about how it's designed to work and what it's designed to do, which you know, lots of these things are around our sort of survival mechanism and keeping the tribe safe and all those kind of things, you can see how in the workplace in the modern day and in family life it might not always be the most useful thing. Yeah, it's an interesting one, isn't it? But it's there for a good reason, isn't it? Exactly. What I think one of the things that's come up for me with clients a lot is how the fear of judgment spirals the overworking and the patterns of having to achieve or to please or to do more and to go into overwhelm and burnout. As if, and this is what I love about that part of ourselves, that that ego, a version of the ego that believes if it is good enough, strong enough, clever enough, works hard enough, nobody will say anything negative about me. But if we can control that's exactly right, if I do this, I will change their their things. Which which that you know, you can understand why rationally it feels like that is partially true. But that exactly that nobody will judge me negatively because I'm working so hard, but of course, it's a trap because we cannot stop some people. I I remember I remember the I remember somebody saying to me I was much younger, it was such a moment of revelation, and who knows whether this is common to a lot of people, but sort of growing up, I guess wanting to be like, you know, and that's very primal, belonging, and that's this hierarchy of needs. But this as this person said to me, you know, well, obviously, not everyone can like it. And you're like, What? What it was like being told Father Christmas does this. Sorry for your for the younger listeners out there, but but I but it was also this sudden freedom of ah, there's no point pedaling on that bike, yeah, because that destination is a fantasy, it's an oasis in the distance. So first thing, so first things on judgment are completely normal and also completely normal to do it, and completely normal to try to avoid it because it's the primal instinct around wanting to belong, wanting to be accepted, and not wanting to be thrown out of the trial. But we go to this polarized version where judgment is bad and nobody must ever judge me, and also it go it we go into the justifying, don't we? So if we feel like we've been judged, going back to what you said earlier, we'll pedal really hard to either change our behaviour so that they change their mind or to justify or make them choices or to make to make them wrong, and to what end, really? That's what I find so interesting about it. When you go one layer below those patterns of don't want to be judged, work hard, I've been judged, I need to defend myself, they're wrong, I'm right. When you go below that, which we'll talk about more of how you can get there, to what end so that so that what? So that everybody in the world only ever talks pot like if you because if you follow it through, it is a fantasy. So let's talk about let's go through our kind of four pieces around judgment and then I want to talk about a few other pieces. Let me start with the first one, yeah, which I don't know if I can say it's my favourite because I like all of these so much, but I think the number one thing is that, and again, this is sort of this is sort of backed up by research, is that we really, really over inflate our belief about how much time other people spend thinking about us. I mean, to such a huge because we're in our own heads, we think they must be thinking about me, because obviously I literally am the centre of my universe. I have no other point of point of reference. Yeah, so if I've seen somebody looking at me in a funny way, well they must be they must be thinking about me. Yeah. And of course, what we fail to realise is we we fail to correlate how much time we spend thinking about each and every other person in our lives. We fail to sort of analyze that and think, well, that's probably about the same amount of time that other people think about me. We really overinflate how much people are thinking about us. And I again, I guess it's kind of a it's kind of a protection mechanism because we we we do that so that we sort of try and behave well so that they're not doing it. But it is also slightly an a slight overinflation of our ego for to think that other people are thinking about us. I mean, they're just not, yeah, they're thinking about themselves, they're thinking about their shopping list, they're thinking about the plumber coming around. Yeah, it just makes it making me think of the Oscar Wilde quote, which is sort of sort of related to this, but slightly different, but you know, better to be spoken about, you know, about it than not spoken about at all. Anyway, but but there is something, isn't there, about uh an being relevant. Totally being relevant in other people's eyes, like not being not being invisible.

SPEAKER_01:

They must be thinking about me. Sure.

SPEAKER_00:

I I must be central to their lives, yeah. So that's the first thing. So you could dial down how much you think people are judging. Because even if even if they have thought, oh, I didn't like what Bob did then, it is a fleeting thought. I mean, if they really are caught in rumination over you, then that brings us to one of our other points, which will be that says more about them than you. Totally, which which the but this this story might be a sort of segue on that, which is My dog was just with a a dog sitter for two days because I was um I was in Italy and he's a bit unpredictable bear, I think, one would say, in terms of his his house house training. Yes. And he didn't Let's put it like this. If he wasn't a human Christmas guest, you you would be within perfectly within your eyes to judge him and to not have him back the following year. And to be showing him plenty of cleaning products. Certainly not let him upstairs so you wouldn't let exactly that was Uncle Bob, he would not be going upstairs into the carpeted sections as we get as we can.

SPEAKER_01:

So he he made a verse upstairs in the lovely dog sitter's house, who is also a friend of mine. And of course, I am mortified utterly mortified.

SPEAKER_00:

And of course, I am thinking about this a lot, and thinking, oh my god, she must just think I'm the worst person, I'm the worst dog. Yeah, and of course, I know her, she's lovely. She was probably slightly annoyed that she had to clean it up, but she probably hasn't given it another thought. I will think about this for the next few days, yeah, and that is more about how I feel than how she will be thinking. Yes, but so often we shift those thoughts about ourselves as if they're happening in someone else's brain. It's madness, yeah. That's true, it's true. And you know, there is a little bit of use to that self-judgment, which is train your dog, train your dog. Um, but if we're caught in it, it's he looks so angelic. I know, kind of, yeah, looks can be deceiving. She said he just looks so angelic. Oh, he can sleep upstairs. Well, that's how he got up there. Um so people are doing it much, much less than you think. Yeah, I'm gonna come to that other point later on. The amount of narrative that we create, really, we've we've linked that into number one, that if you can create that much negative judgment either about someone else or that you think they're judging you, if you can create that much narrative in your own head about what they might be saying about you that's negative, here's a challenge. Why don't you match that amount of narrative with things they could be saying about you that are really positive? Because if your brain can go to they must be saying these terrible things about me, your brain must be able to go to think they could be saying these really good things about me. And I had this conversation with somebody very recently about I'm there was a video week months ago I saw on online, which was a psychologist showing how our thoughts are formed in a gr in a piece of wood, and that over time, you know, you carve out the part of the neural pathways basically, and then you've got this groove in the wood, and and it's thoughts just go there, it's completely natural. And this is the conversation I was having with someone there. But that feels right, that feels natural, and I was like, of course it does. Because the the posit the idea that they might be saying, Oh, therapy's very, you know, kind and lovely. Kind and lovely or not.

SPEAKER_01:

I I had to fill those words in.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, I was thinking about the dog, but I couldn't find I couldn't find anything on an dog. Yeah, same as things, because your brain can't go there because there's no Yeah, there's no groove to go groove to go in. That's interesting. So so of course create the groove. So you create your own groove. So of course, yeah, literally create your own groove. That the that it feels like well, but they wouldn't be saying that. Yeah, I can't imagine that they would be saying that. They'll I can only think that they'd be saying, of course you can, because that is that's the system one that's been grooved. So you have to play, you have to imagine. Well, they might have thought or pen train your dog, they could also be thinking, Oh, I love spending time with her, she's always got such great energy. She comes in, and I love it when she comes into my kitchen. So if you can think one thing, you can definitely think the other one. I would I would say something else on that if you sort of backtrack to the first thing that you said, which is if you really think about it, it is totally, totally mad how much time we spend and how normalized it is that in our heads we are creating a narrative about what is happening in somebody else's head. It's insane. Well, so this when we first set up 4D, we used to talk about this that you think you've you think your relationship has just got to like a dynamic of me and you, but it hasn't. It's got what I think of you, what you think of me, what I think of me, what you think of you, what I think you think of me. That's right, and what you think I think of you, and what I think you think I think of you. It's meant to be. I mean, it's it's there's so many dynamics. And that's all going on. That's all going on. And we don't even question it. No, we think it's completely normal. Yeah, yeah. So we don't even think about it. Well, this is this is the part which I'll come to at the end about being awake, because it's these processes have been bedded in for a long time, and it's not that they will instantly stop happening. What we can do is build up our intentional self to notice ah that's going on. That's going on. I'm noticing I can hear myself believing and thinking that that person is judging me negatively. That's the voice you want to raise. I think what a lot of people get caught on with self-development is the idea that I should be able to just stop that. Yeah, that that needs fixing, it's a problem that needs or it needs to go away. That part of me needs to go away. Actually, the route through is ah, hello, you're there, there you are. That's when it's like with shame. Shame doesn't like the light. We want, you know, often people want to get rid of that part. They hate the shameful part. Actually, what shame shame loves it when you hate it because it's got ah I can feed off of your hate of it and the conflict, the internal conflict. What it doesn't like is just the light. Ah, there you are, feeling really shameful. I see you. Yeah, I'm here, it's okay. I really see you. Doesn't know what to do with that, and it's the same with judgment. Ah, there's me thinking they think I'm a terrible poet. That's fair and it goes back also to what you said about time, which is how much time we lose and how much time escapes us, with all of this thinking what they think of me and what they think I think of them. And I mean it's madness. It's exhausting, isn't it? Think of how many novels you could write if you totally matter. But also, again to what you said is that we don't even question that because that is just how our brains have developed and how they work. But then if you say to somebody, why don't you spend 10 minutes every day thinking about some amazing things that might be going on in Uncle Bob's head about you? You'd go, that's an odd thing to do. Yeah, and yeah, and yeah, it's completely exactly the water in your goldfish bottle, you can't even see it. Okay, number three on the list your reaction to either somebody judging you or the idea that somebody is judging you is yours. It's your ego, it's yours. And what I love about this one is if somebody's judged us, or even if we think somebody might be judging us, which is more often than more often the case, it's all their fault. Yes, it's all about them. When we're free from that, when we can own, when we can move from the idea of judgment or actual judgment, to ah no, the real issue here is my feeling about judgment or potentially being judged. Ah, so if we can take charge of that, and we would talk about getting curious. One of the things that I is a huge piece of work with in psychotherapy, of course, is if you can become okay with the idea that you might be a bit interrupted or a bit a bit too loud or a bit annoying or a bit thoughtless, if you can go, yeah, that's part of me. That's part of me. That's we call it you know it's the shadow work. If you can say, yep, that's true, oh, you're free. Yeah, now you can say that isn't Bob being a complete a-hole saying that I can be a bit thoughtless, because actually there is a partial truth to that. I can be, yep, sometimes I can be a bit thought and and other times I'm thought personified. I I am so thought caring and thoughtful. Both are true, and when you can embrace that, yeah. Well, also I think when you can embrace that, you probably uh spend less time in that groove of thinking that that everybody is judging you because a lot of it is a reflection back to how you judge yourself. I think you too honestly. I think you just care less. That you know, if if if somebody were to say, Oh, you know, Philippa can get very caught in, you know, when she's in her creative mode, like it's going fast. And if somebody said that and I was to go, Wow, how judge no one else is putting any comments in here, you know. Actually, I'd go, Yeah, that's yeah, that's fair. That's fair, that's fair. That is that is true. Exactly. And other times I'm absolutely like, Oh, over to you, show me what you've got. It's all true. I mean, this is this is also linked to a topic which I definitely think we should do a podcast episode on, which is liking and disliking, and how we think, if we don't like somebody, we think it's because there's something wrong with their personality or their behaviour. And so often it's because of this sort of reflection of well, we think they judge or don't like something about us that actually we don't really like about ourselves, but it's not me, it must be them, and they're awful. And I mean, it's so bad. I think that's one of the one one of the in fact we're going to number four is of course, you judge other people. Yeah. So we've got number one, people are doing it less than you think. Number two, you if you could create that much negative narrative, have a play and see if you can flip it, create more positive narrative. Number three is It's you often your ego. It's your reaction that's giving you pain, not the actual thing. And so the fourth one is that you judge other people. Now, before we get to what can you do about that, because that is something we can control. Exactly. That's the bit you can actually control. But exactly as you were saying earlier, it's absolutely, I think, one of the most interesting things to start noticing what you judge. Not necessarily who you judge, maybe, but more what you what you judge. Because people who are, you know, over hard working and you know, super driven and fast-paced, I'm un I don't I don't necessarily judge that. You we tend to judge things that we don't tolerate in ourselves. Yeah. So if you find yourself Or that we're ashamed of. Or that we're ashamed of. So if you find yourself, I mean I had an absolute classic of this the other day, where somebody said to me, Oh, so and so, she's so mean, and she and she's such a mean person. I was like, we're in a paradox here, aren't we? Because because you sound a bit mean, you sound a bit mean about her, but you don't like her meanness, and of course, it's like that's that's the thing that we do. So, you know, if you really don't, you really judge somebody who looks a bit what you would call lazy, yeah, just finish work at five o'clock. Yeah, just looked off, he's gone home, left me to it. Yeah, that also suggests that you cannot tolerate that level of boundary in yourself because it doesn't feel okay, and so you can't tolerate it in somebody else. Yeah, whereas they're they're fine, they're going home having a nice meal at seven o'clock and you're still at the office. And it can also be it can be something that you yourself are frightened of being judged about that you judge in other people. So similar to what you're saying, you hold your standard so high to try and avoid being judged about it. Yeah, that it's fear-based. It's fear-based, and you're judging it in other people, but it's really more to do with your own fears about parts of yourself that you either don't like or haven't integrated, or that you think other people are judging about you, and it's so often that projection that we see in the world. So often, so often. And it's also around expectations, isn't it? And this sort of leads me on to the sort of the last sort of bit to talk about here is that lovely quote that is from Buddhism but Poldy books that we love, Archie Poldy books, that happiness is reality minus expectation. And I was reading this piece again, it was online, um, around the um philosopher, the existentialist Camus, who was really talking about how that we so strive for certainty and we want the universe to conform to how we think it should be. Quite right too. Quite right too, quite right too. And and therefore people. So, of course, we judge when people don't show up in the way that we expect them to. And he's saying, actually, when when we when we can let go, he what he was saying was actually that's a very unconscious way to live. When you live in a very conscious way, you accept that the world is uncertain, you accept that there are contradictions and it's chaotic and that and that the universe will not conform to what you think it should be, and that you need to stop negotiating. I love this. You need to stop negotiating with the universe and start engaging with it. And I just think that is one of the most wonderful phrases. To stop negotiating about what who should be what, when and just be engaged with what it is, which is my exactly my TED tool. Yes. Be with what is, as opposed to what you think it should be with. Well, when you put it like that, when you express it in those words, negotiating with the universe, yeah, you realise what utter madness that is. Madness! Madness. Madness. The other thing I'd say about judgment as well, which which I I I can really understand this evolutionarily, is that judgment also serves to other yourself from people. So you can think about this in terms of you know, villages or tribes and sort of judging somebody, and then people get ostracised. One example of this that really struck me, I had to do a speed awareness course a few many years ago online, and I wasn't speeding very much, but nevertheless. Sure, but let's let's make let's make sure let's make sure let's make sure we level where it was the tiniest, it was like half a mile.

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I was very unlucky.

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Where we're on there you go, there you go. Where we're on the course, they were talking, and it was, you know, it was it was very good because it really made you think they were talking about people who had been speeding, let's say, in a 30-mile-an hour limit or whatever, and unfortunately had had an accident, which if you if you're speeding and you get caught, okay, you get a fine or you do a speed awareness course, but if you're speeding and you and you have an accident and you hurt somebody, I mean, yeah, boy, you are in trouble. And they were talking about people who, you know, a nurse or an admin assistant in a school, or and their lives had been completely and what I really thought about as as I was listening to them was of course, when you see that headline in the paper, you it's very easy to judge people to think well, you know, well they they deserve it or they shouldn't die. Yeah, and I think part of that is because we have to remove ourselves from it because it can't be us, yeah, and yet it so could be us. And actually, this really talks to some wonderful work that we're doing at the moment on polarisation and working with polarities, that it's much easier to create a line where we put other we put people over that line and us on the other side. So that person is incompetent, I'm over here in the competent gang, and I and I sort of have to judge them to create that line. Then that's exactly what the judgment is doing. It's saying, I put you over there and I judge you for being over there, and I'm not over there. Yeah, and actually, again, going back to Camu, is it's actually we're much better off in the soup of life that actually we're all either in that or potentially in that. We can all potentially be lazy or potentially speed or whatever it is, and that we're much better off being able to hold these two truths and allow for these contradictions and for these possibilities, and that's a much more awake way to live. And he would say actually that you think that life needs to be straightforward, and that's why we draw these lines of you're over there, I'm over here. I would never do that. If you hear yourself saying that, I would never, if they did that, I would never, you're in that judgment. That actually you cannot have that certainty of that delineation. Really, the way to live is through awareness, courage, and attention to be with what is, to be correct. And compassion as well. I would add compassion there. Well, it really makes me think of that that incredible story that we heard recently. I think it was on um it was on a podcast about sort of forgiveness in the in the prison system, and uh it's where the victims or or the families of victims can come together with the perpetrator of the crime and there can be sort of forgiveness and that kind of thing. And when I when I hear stories like that, it really overwhelms me with emotion and in a good way, like just how amazing people are. And and of course, I realise that when you're in that compassion and forgiveness space, you are sort of overwhelmed with love for love for the human race, love for how we can be, and of course, when you're in that judgment space, you're coming from fear, yeah, and it doesn't make you feel that sort of overwhelming feeling of sort of joy and love for the human race, it makes you feel othered from people, and I can understand both because of course the fear is like we said, it's very useful in terms of self-protection, protection of the tribe, and all those kind of things, but you can feel in your body how different it feels living from those two. Well, do you know what I love about that, Penn? Is if we go right back to where we started, which was how were your holidays, and what will you say? That if you've been sitting at the dinner table with a smile plastered on your face, judging everybody around it, your own experience won't have been joyful. It won't be filled with love. No, it won't be filled with love, it will be filled with irritation and judgment and wish that it was other than it was. Yeah, so it's so directly impacting our own experience, and yet we somehow think that judgment is a release or an avoidance of what we don't like, but it's actually it's like like you say, it's like holding on to anger, it's us that's feeling that I mean, but we the person who's you know, whatever, you know, complaining about the wine or whatever, they're not feeling the irritation that you're it's so interesting. It's actually we're left with it. Yeah, okay. So I want to say one more thing about judgment. So two more things. One is what you cannot tolerate in yourself is what you will judge in others. So that comes back to work, embrace the shadow. And this other one, which I just love, I come back to it all the time. That what anyone else is thinking about you is none of your business. I love that so much. I love that so much. That's in their mind, that's their thoughts, and they could be thinking absolutely anything. And you know what? It is none of your business. I love that. Crack on, assume, assume positive intent. Yeah. Do you know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna reference Downton. Oh god. She at one point, so it's always Maggie Smith, of course. At one point, the Penelope Wilton character, she says something, and um Maggie Smith says, I take that, and it's an ins, it's an insult. And and Maggie Smith says, I take that as a comp I take that as a compliment, and Penelope Wilton's character says, Well, I I must have I must have said it wrong. And she and she and she and she says, she says, I take everything as a compliment. It really does make life so much easier. And I thought, yeah, even if someone says you're a bit lazy, thank you. I love it. Yeah, I love it. I take that as a real compliment. Is the work that is the spirit of Christmas when you feel like you're being judged or judging others, yeah. Yeah, so thank you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. I know I can be a bit irritating. Yeah, I've sort of honed it. Yeah, thank you for asking about the wine. I knew you'd love the water. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, a very jolly, joyful Christmas. Yes. Watch out for the judgment. Yeah, really, not because we're trying to all be saints. No. Sainthood is hard, but more because it will give you a better experience. 100%. Yeah. Happy Christmas. Happy, happy holidays. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the 40 Human Being Podcast. We hope you enjoyed the show. Do take on board some of the insights, tools, and tips because every time that you try something new to get back to choice, you are making a vote for the you that you want to become. And I I love that phrase, Pen. I do too. And please do share this. Episode with somebody that you know would really benefit from the lessons and learnings we've been chatting about today. And of course, if you're interested in more from 4D Human Being, do get in touch. We run workshops, trainings online, in person, conference events and keynotes. We've got the 4D on demand platform for your whole organization, and we do have a free essentials membership where anybody can sign up for absolutely free to access some of our insights, tools, and tips. So do get in touch with us if you'd like to hear more. We cannot wait to hear from you and to carry on the conversation.